Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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