We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
