I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
