she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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