Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
