a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
