I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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