Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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