In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
