My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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