Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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