Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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