My sheets look like a crime scene.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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