All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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