was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
