I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
