Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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