Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
