Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
