remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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