proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
