Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
