I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
