All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
