between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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