I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
