I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
