hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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