I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
