Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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