Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
