Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
