I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
