Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
