that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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