please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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