i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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