dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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