dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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