Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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