I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
