what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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