She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
