Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
