Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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