remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
