Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Princesses don't give blow jobs
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
