I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
