I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
