Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
