I met the friendliest cop last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
