No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
