atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize