i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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