and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
