i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
