Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
