Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
