There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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