I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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