He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
