whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
