question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
