Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
