to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
