Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
