just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
