Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
