I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
not ubering you a puppy
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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