I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
