just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
