After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
